Baby loss awareness post

This week is baby loss awareness week. And as many are aware it’s something i have experienced. I am 1 in 4.

I’m usually quiet on the topic other than anniversarys and like to keep my experience and memories private. However I am increasingly becoming aware that to break the stigma and misconceptions these topics need to be spoken about and shared for people to know they exist and to understand. I certainly had no idea before I was the one living through it.

For one its the first year I personally have seen TFMR included in the awareness graphics along with some other less known types of loss, and its one of the reasons why the below quote rang true for me for so long. This well publicised baby loss awareness and a time to remember the babies lost would come round each October and everywhere i looked I’d see miscarriage stillbirth  no mention of Tfmr and I agreed I didn’t need to grieve like those that had being through a miscarriage or still birth it wasn’t the same. When it first happened I went through the leaflets the hospital provided and searched websites for help and advice all were the same no where really mentioned tfmr. And it should be mentioned as it does exist sadly more often than expected.

I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is to hear the words there’s no heartbeat when you go in all excited to the latest scan. To deal with being told your baby’s died in the womb. The reality for me was this: Truth be told I’m not really a religious person but I prayed to hear those words and that may be uncomprehendable to most but the words I had heard were your baby’s not compatible with life you must decide whether to end her pain or not… I didn’t want that on me so I prayed at each scan that the decision would have being made for me. Tbf the consultant expected it too she couldn’t hide her shock each time that the screen showed she was still with us. After that I questioned and quizzed and challenged them well if she’s got such a stronh heartbeat then how can she not live? Clearly she’s strong enough. They explained the conditions, the risks, the likely hood of survival and again and again I said but she’s got this far and but this could happen iv read about this… The response was pretty blunt. Your baby girl may make it through pregnancy she may even survive a few weeks on this earth.. But she won’t live and she’s in pain and do you want that to continue?

As a Tfmr mum you don’t only loose your baby you live with the guilt of what ifs, you Live with knowing the pill you sat and swallowed stopped their heart. You have a labour and get to see and hold the baby you choose not to live.

I struggled immensely during the progress although didn’t realise until much later. As I got the chance to hold her spend the weekend with her get photos of her. In some ways I was lucky some losses don’t get that chance but I also felt I didn’t deserve the time and so wasted it I didn’t get the photos I couild have done I didn’t get the cuddles.

I got guilt, I’m only learning now that actually  it was done out of love and as the hardest decision ever to be asked to be made it was a choice between my pain and hers. I got to alter my path whilst friends who were pregnant at the time picked prams and car seats I got to pick a casket and whilst they decorated their bedrooms I decorated her planter. They got to hear crying from the back seats whilst they drove from the hospital I got to sit her on the passenger seat for a silent drive home.

Iv had my experience compared to an abortion and for quite some time I agreed. I choose it and in those circumstances they choose it. I can see the similarities. Even the doctors told me it was classed the same the week after when I had such a bad infection the thought I had contracted meningitis. That needs to change it is not the same and whilst in both cases people have their own personal reasons they should be categorised differently.

Baby loss awareness week is focused on raising awareness and for this reason I will continue to share snippets of my story to help people understand, to help someone reach out if they’re going through something similar, to help break the stigma.